“No matter where I go I’m always missing someone! How can I trust God when all He does is take people I care about away?” An honest question from a hurting individual that has had to say “good-bye” more times than she could recall. This conversation continued and we worked through the things that have had to be let go; the friends that we were separated from and the uncertainty of what lay ahead. 

Grief. It never ends. It’s recurring when you are a global worker. There is always a loss that needs to be faced. Whether personal or emotional, whatever it is, there seems to always be a loss. And it causes our hearts to hurt. It causes a mother’s heart to doubt as she sees her children experience the loss of friendships because of “the call”. They grieve so she grieves for them. It’s a process that does not have an end point because there are always new losses. It just gets managed better, learned from and coped with. Healthy grieving helps build a strength hard to describe. It gives a strength to push through seemingly impossible situations. Healthy grieving does carry us to the other side and eventually brings about new hopes, relationships, strengths and opportunities.

There is no easy way about it. It hurts. It gets ugly. It is absolutely necessary. When there has been a loss, there needs to be a time of grieving. It seems easier to allow space for it when a loved one passes away. It is more difficult to embrace and “allow” when the loss is intangible. Tangible losses include the loss of living life with family, friends, church community, and school community. The lack of resources, recreational activities, privacy, proper law enforcement and competent medical service are others. The intangible losses are more abstract as in missing family events, change of security, routines, knowing how to do things, influence, freedom of choice, consistency, belonging, stability, and the sense of “normal”. These lists are not exhaustive and we can all add our own tangible and intangible losses. These losses must be recognized and mourned. 

As we take on this journey called Grief we face several stages. This is not a linear progression but one that seems quite haphazard at times and spontaneous, unfortunately, at the most inopportune times. And it looks different for everyone. It progresses on its own timeframe and is never the same way twice. Grief is an emotional process not an intellectual one. Often times we fight it by believing that crying and feeling bad are wrong things to do. Sometimes we try to “replace” the loss or grieve alone. Other times we try to keep busy ‘cause after all, “time heals all things.” Right? Wrong. These defense actions just stall the grieving process. God has naturally put in place a coping mechanism at the onset of a crisis or major transition where we are able to set emotions aside and get the necessary logistics accomplished. After the rush of activity and decision making has passed, grief enters. The stages of grief are more like a roller coaster that spins in a circle not so much like a stair case where you eventually reach an end. We can skip stages out of order. The important thing to remember is to not ignore the pain and grief, because buried emotions never die. Acknowledging and facing the grief when the waves come is actually a vital part of the healing process.

STAGES OF GRIEF (KUBLER-ROSS MODEL, 1969)

Denial-“No, this can’t be.” “This can’t be happening.” Denial is functional as it helps cushion the impact of the loss.

Anger and Rage-“This isn’t fair. Why me?”. People often blame God, other people, or circumstances during this time.

Bargaining-“If only I would have been there.” “If only we moved back to the States.” People strike bargains in attempt to regain parts of what has been lost.

Depression-“It’s true and I’m sad.” The reality of the loss and sadness sinks in.

Acceptance-“It’s true, but I can adjust and move on.” The loss is accepted and the focus shifts to how to cope. Hope begins to resurface and a new normal to life is sought out.

PHYSICAL EFFECTS OF GRIEF:

• Loss of appetite

• Dehydration, aches and pains

• Fatigue

• Hyperactivity

• Nightmares and delusions

EMOTIONAL EFFECTS OF GRIEF:

• Feeling loss of control

• Feeling nothing at all

• Feeling a need for closure

• Feeling depressed from emotional overload

COGNITIVE EFFECTS OF GRIEF:

• Inability to articulate thoughts

• Memory lapses and repetition
  
  Flashbacks and fixations

SO WHAT DO YOU DO? HOW DO YOU GET OVER THIS SEEMINGLY OVERWHELMING MOUNTAIN? HERE ARE A FEW SUGGESTIONS TO GET YOU STARTED:

• Create a collage of pictures or words with losses on one side and gains on the other

• Memory box of photos, notes, and other mementos 

• Journaling or writing a letter expressing feelings and thoughts

• Isaiah 53:4-5 says the He bore our sorrows and our griefs.  Ask Jesus what griefs and sorrows you are still carrying that He wants you to give Him. Then bring them to Jesus.

• Bring representations of your sorrows, losses and griefs to the cross. You can be creative. Offer them as a sacrifice to the Lord and then leave them at the cross.

• Ask Jesus to fill the places that has been occupied by grief, sorrow and pain with His Presence, love, comfort, joy and healing

• Purchase a piece of “remembrance” jewelry, decoration, etc

• Plant a tree or a flower in place of the loss

• Memorial service (can be for anything, not just death)

•  Read books of others that have lost (ie. CS Lewis’ A Grief Observed, Tear Soup by Pat Schwiebert and Chuck DeKlyen)

• Talk with someone you trust that can just listen to whatever you want to say

• Watch movies of people experiencing loss (ie. Shadowlands, Bucket List, The Notebook)

• Exercise/physical activity

• Be intentional to seek community and not isolate.  

• Families will do well to have open discussions about who or what they miss

• Laugh!  Laughter releases good chemicals in your body and helps bring healing

SIGNS OF CHRONIC GRIEF AND WHEN TO SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP:

Behavior: self-medication, overindulgence in positive behaviors, overworking

Physical: sleeplessness that persists long after the event, frequent episodes of seeing and hearing things that are not there, frequent episodes of confusion or bewilderment that becomes detrimental to your welfare

Emotional: isolation-physical and emotional withdrawal

There is no shame in experiencing grief. It is part of life, but we don’t want to be overwhelmed and stuck there. It takes courage to reach out for help along the way when grief has become our mantle. If you are experiencing any of the above chronic grief symptoms, please share with a leader and seek professional help either near you, or contact membercare@gotonations.org and we will refer you to one of our partner counselors who are ready and willing to help you walk through it.

Our Heavenly Father is not a stranger to grief. Loss did not elude Him. Jesus experienced pain and loss during his ministry and ultimately on the Cross. We are not alone. Through the pain, the sadness, and the confusion we still have hope. Hope in the One that turns our mourning into dancing. (Ps. 30:11-12) Grace from Papa that gives new mercies every morning. (Lam. 3: 22-23) Strength will be renewed when we hope in the Lord. (Is. 40:3) Comfort is given to those who mourn. (Is. 57:18).

We do need to invite Him into this process. Jesus is the Healer and will heal our hearts as we walk through it.  He will not leave us. Jesus truly enters in and carries our sorrows (Is. 53:4) and will replace them with comfort, joy and peace. He reveals Himself in a new and deeper way to us in these moments and we love Him even more.

You are not alone. You will get through this. Yes, it hurts. I can’t answer “why”, but I can stand on His promises that “everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or wife or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life.” (Mt. 19:29). When our heart hurts because of loss, we know we have loved well and full.